The time with the breakfast... part 1

It was past 4 in the afternoon and my six year old was still trying to eat his breakfast... yes, you read that right breakfast...still!!

Lets rewind to that morning... actually, lets rewind to a few days before, when after making the kids' favorite lunch my oldest, who is almost seven years old, refused to eat it claiming he didn't like sandwiches anymore. I remember a time [the last two months] when he would beg for a ham or turkey sandwich for lunch and dinner. After a frustrating week of getting the same response at almost every meal that did not involve hot dogs, toaster waffles or rice, I had to ask if he was taking advantage. 

To be honest his response didn't surprise me. He's a very smart kid but his need to try to outsmart everyone, to see what  he can get away with, is driving him to make a lot of dumb bad choices. Anyone else having this problem? 

I wondered for a minute if maybe I was working on creating a brat. I mean, I want my kids to eat, what parent doesn't? But we've never been the type of parents to give our kids everything they want, in this case cook whatever they want, mostly because we haven't had much problem with this in the past but also because we strongly believe part of loving our kids means not giving them everything. However, recently, out of exhaustion and honestly laziness, I have made it easy for him to just lie about not liking a certain food and in return, he's been getting rewarded for it with something else to eat. What is this, a restaurant? Well... it was slowly turning into one. 

So I decided to work on "retaining" this bratty behavior out of him.

Now fast forward back to that morning.  

I made a sandwich for each kid, and just because I'm nice, I let them choose between jam or turkey in their sandwich, before informing them that after eating their entire sandwich (including "edges") they can have some of the apple-cinnamon bread (which ended up more like a sweet, yummy breakfast cake) I had baked the night before.

This was enough for my youngest two, they ate that jam sandwich faster than ever.

Sadly, my oldest, expecting the usual response from me, ate all but the last two bites of his sandwich because he "didn't like it"... he didn't like the last two bites of the same turkey sandwich he had been eating for the last 45 minutes!!! 

SERIOUSLY CHILD?!?!?!?!

But this time, my response was different... this time I said he only had one choice: eat the dang sandwich! He had the option to sit on the small kid table in the kitchen until those last two bites were gone. If he was not done by lunch time he forfeited the apple-cinnamon bread. 

Guess what? Breakfast time was over. Lunch time came and went (he missed out on dessert: Popsicles) and snack time passed (which they really look forward to). It was almost dinner time and I had heard every excuse in the book about why he can't eat the last two bites of his sandwich. Let me tell you, this kid is creative! So much drama.... oh my goodness.... so.much.drama....

Finally, he decided to close his eyes and eat it because "it doesn't taste like 'edges' when you close your eyes". As soon as he was done he ate his lunch, and about an hour later he had dinner.

Not only did he spend all day sitting on a small chair at their small kitchen table because he wouldn't eat two pieces of bread, he missed out on the movie we watched because he wouldn't eat two small pieces of bread, he missed out on the three books his siblings and I cuddled up to read because he wouldn't eat the last two bites and he missed out on our time outside blowing bubbles because he wouldn't eat the last two bites of his sandwich. True story!

I'm sure some people think this is harsh, we believe it starts with the small things. Plus, how many of you had lots of choices growing up? I know I didn't. My mom cooked, we ate what she cooked, that was it. 

That sneaky bratty behavior was trying to creep into my home, and we cut its head right on time... this time. The scary thing is that this had been going on for over a week and I didn't notice it. 

Makes me think about those parents, you know, the ones everyone is talking about, those who are raising bratty kids. Helps me extend some grace to those parents because I don't think those parents set out to become those parents, at least not all of them. Sometimes it just happens. Today it was me, tomorrow it could be you. It happens. The question is: what are we going to do about it when we catch ourselves falling into this slippery slope?

Its not easy, its not fun, its time consuming, its frustrating... but its one of those things that we will thank ourselves for in the future and our kids will thank us for later.

Conversation with six year old before bed.                                                                          Me: was today fun?                                                                                                          6y/o: not really.                                                                                                                  Me: do you think you made good choices?                                                                        6y/o: No, but I will do better tomorrow.                                                                              Me: Good, because tomorrow you're having the same thing for breakfast.                          6y/o: ... 

.... to be continued...  

About messing up

So you messed up really bad today... Now what?

First ask yourself: Did you really mess up that bad? 

What makes one "mess up" worst than another? 

I think most of us have been conditioned - either by the way we grew up or by society - to think that sins have "levels", that one can be worse than another, and while some sins do have bigger consequence, the reality is that to God, all sins are the same. 

I struggled with this for so long; I would do something that I though qualified as a big sin (mostly because of the way I was raised), and I would be sad, and distance myself from God. I would listen to that voice that told me I was unworthy and damaged, that I was beyond saving; the voice that said that God would not love me when I was not "okay" with Him. I would even feel ashamed to sing the worship songs that kept playing over and over in my head (looking back I think that was the Holy Spirit drawing me back to Him). 

It wasn't until recently, in my early thirties, after almost three years in this amazing church where we are taught to live in our true identity in Christ that I realized that this voice I heard every time I "messed up" was not God's voice, it was the enemy. The thief who wants me to dwell on my sin, to distance myself from God, to feel guilt and condemnation. Every time I fell into the enemy's trap I was letting him win another battle... But God (have I mentioned how much I love those two words?) wants to tell us something completely different, he wants us to know the truth: that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, He already forgave our sins and He wants to have a relationship with us.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10 (NIV)

Now I ask you: If the God who created the universe, who sent His one and only son to die for us can forgive us, why are we so hard on ourselves? Why is it sometimes harder for us to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others? 

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus " Rom 8:1 (NIV)

Jesus chose to pay the price for all our sins past, present and future, while we were still sinners. That's how much He loves us. Don't let this sacrifice be in vain by letting the enemy win.

We are forgiven, made new, cleansed. We are righteous and redeemed. We are free. We are loved. We are are the sons and daughters of the God who is good and through whom all things are possible. 

So you messed up today - Jesus already forgave you, accept his forgiveness and move on. Accept His grace and choose to do better next time. We can have a much better life by spending more time building a relationship with God, and getting to know Him better (not just about Him) than we ever will by dwelling on our sinned. Its time for us to live in the fullness of life made true for us by Jesus. We can learn to accept His forgiveness. 

The time at DQ

Today I thought I'd do something fun with the kids on this beautiful sunny day in Texas, so I came up with the very bright idea to take all three kids to DQ for dinner, without my husband.

Already predicting the over-excitement, since it was our first time there, I give them the usual talk before leaving the car: "ok guys, we're here. Please remember that this is a restaurant, a place where lots of people go to eat, so be respectful of others, no getting on top of the tables, no running... basically anything you know is not ok to do in a restaurant, just don't do it. Let make good choices and act like big boys and girl." To which they reply with an enthusiastic "Yes ma'am".

As soon as we get out of the car my oldest starts to run towards the door (sigh), but I just take a breath and move on (I mean, they're kids, its gonna happen). We go inside and before we're even done ordering, two out of the three children are fighting. I respond in a tone equally filled with annoyance, sadness and stress  "boooys, calm down, remember our talk".

We walk to the back and find a booth; I sit the little one by my side, the older two across, then wait for the food to come. The kids finally settle down (only took about 5 minutes) and start eating. We talk about their day, joke around a bit, enjoy family time - this is fun, this I love, I wish it could always be like this.

They finish their food so it's time for them to go choose a treat - they had no idea the kids' meal came with a treat, which totally made up for the fact that it didn't come with a toy - you can see the excitement building up... Once they eat their ice cream you can see the effects of the sugar almost immediately... and its all downhill from here.

The oldest boy runs around the restaurant, jumps up onto the counter the holds the beverages and sits there for a couple of seconds before grabbing a few straws, jumping off and running around again...

The youngest dances on his chair (thought that was kind of cute), and tries to "escape" to join big brother, this means jumping over mommy...

And the girl, she just whines about her ice cream melting and dripped onto her hands and clothes... oh and in case you didn't know, ice cream is too cold.

I start to feel pressure in my head, not sure if its from my sinuses (I'd been dealing with a sinus infection for over a week)or that feeling we all get when our kids are acting like wind-up toys and we don't know if to scream, tie then to a chair or just run away...  the headache slowly creeps in, the blood rushes to my head... That's when I loose it and I uttered those two words that are usually followed by some promise I probably won't keep: THAT'S IT! As soon as we arrived home you will take a shower, brush your teeth and go straight to bed! 

By then I was frazzled and kept thinking "I'm.never.ever.doing.this.again, EVER!!"

Once home, the boys march together to one bathroom and the girl to another, while I go for a walk and talk to my mom on the phone [since husband is already home].

I complain about how crazy the kids behaved today, confessed I felt like I didn't know what to do or how to handle it [them]. I don't want to be a mean mom or spend all our time together reprimanding them, nor constantly revoking privileges. 

Am I being too soft on them, or too hard on them? Do they require more consequences or good 'ol spankings? Am I crazy and totally overreacting? 

She just listens (I love my mom, she always listens).

Then she tells me about a lady who works under her supervision. She had been giving them [management] some trouble, yet my mom chose to show her grace; she chose to acknowledge the good things this employee has done in her current role; my mom identified with her, she told this employee how much she reminds my mom of my sisters and me in different aspects of her life... she chose kindness, in spite of the way her employee was acting, grace won... and guess what? That employee, a few days later, out of nowhere, went to management to apologize for the way she had been acting, saying she was amazed and grateful for the way she has been treated even when she has been trying to stir up trouble... talk about things only God can do....

Immediately Romans 2:4 came to mind about how It's God's kindness that leads us to repentance, and as the words were coming out of my mouth, I could sense the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart be kind my beloved daughter, be kind because I am kind. 

That's what I need to do with my kids. Not be more strict, not be mean, not punish more... be kind. Now that's a challenge! How do you choose kindness when you are exhausted and frustrated? When all you ask of your children is that they listen when you talk to them and stop when you ask them to stop?

The answer: We ask God.

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." 1 John 5:14 NIV

We, as parents, are the very first example our kids get to see of God's character. If my kids can say nothing about me, other than they know that I love God and love people, I could die knowing I left a legacy to them.... but how can they say this if I can't extend grace to them through kindness?

We can only show grace to the extent that we have received grace from God. Lets be open to receive His grace today. 

About mommy guilt...

Last weekend was mother's day. I had a wonderful, relaxing day with husband and kids. They honored me with handmade cards and workout clothes (which I always welcome), our morning was calm. We didn't make it to church, so I downloaded the podcast so I can listen to the message in the car... and WOW let me tell you, the whole message was amazing.

I have not stopped thinking about the whole message all week, especially this statement:

"The purpose that God has for your kids' lives, the plans and destiny He has for your children is so much bigger than you as a mom, as a parent, that there's nothing you're going to do or fail to do that is going to stop His plan. Let go of control and surrender your child to God."

What a statement of freedom! 

God is good and He is sovereign! He loves our kids far more than we are humanly able to love them, more than we will ever understand. He gave us everything, He gave us His Son! The Cross alone is proof enough of His goodness, His love.

So, why do we guilt ourselves into thinking we are messing up our children? Its time we give ourselves and other parents some grace, its time to trust that all things are under God's rule and control, that nothing happens without His direction and permission. Its time we live in the freedom that Jesus paid such high a price to gift to us. 

Lets do our best, lets seek God first and lets surrender control, so we can live in freedom.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." Galatians 5:1(a) 

 Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there, no matter how you became a mom, and never forget, 

You are a good mom, a good parent!