The time with the breakfast... part 1

It was past 4 in the afternoon and my six year old was still trying to eat his breakfast... yes, you read that right breakfast...still!!

Lets rewind to that morning... actually, lets rewind to a few days before, when after making the kids' favorite lunch my oldest, who is almost seven years old, refused to eat it claiming he didn't like sandwiches anymore. I remember a time [the last two months] when he would beg for a ham or turkey sandwich for lunch and dinner. After a frustrating week of getting the same response at almost every meal that did not involve hot dogs, toaster waffles or rice, I had to ask if he was taking advantage. 

To be honest his response didn't surprise me. He's a very smart kid but his need to try to outsmart everyone, to see what  he can get away with, is driving him to make a lot of dumb bad choices. Anyone else having this problem? 

I wondered for a minute if maybe I was working on creating a brat. I mean, I want my kids to eat, what parent doesn't? But we've never been the type of parents to give our kids everything they want, in this case cook whatever they want, mostly because we haven't had much problem with this in the past but also because we strongly believe part of loving our kids means not giving them everything. However, recently, out of exhaustion and honestly laziness, I have made it easy for him to just lie about not liking a certain food and in return, he's been getting rewarded for it with something else to eat. What is this, a restaurant? Well... it was slowly turning into one. 

So I decided to work on "retaining" this bratty behavior out of him.

Now fast forward back to that morning.  

I made a sandwich for each kid, and just because I'm nice, I let them choose between jam or turkey in their sandwich, before informing them that after eating their entire sandwich (including "edges") they can have some of the apple-cinnamon bread (which ended up more like a sweet, yummy breakfast cake) I had baked the night before.

This was enough for my youngest two, they ate that jam sandwich faster than ever.

Sadly, my oldest, expecting the usual response from me, ate all but the last two bites of his sandwich because he "didn't like it"... he didn't like the last two bites of the same turkey sandwich he had been eating for the last 45 minutes!!! 

SERIOUSLY CHILD?!?!?!?!

But this time, my response was different... this time I said he only had one choice: eat the dang sandwich! He had the option to sit on the small kid table in the kitchen until those last two bites were gone. If he was not done by lunch time he forfeited the apple-cinnamon bread. 

Guess what? Breakfast time was over. Lunch time came and went (he missed out on dessert: Popsicles) and snack time passed (which they really look forward to). It was almost dinner time and I had heard every excuse in the book about why he can't eat the last two bites of his sandwich. Let me tell you, this kid is creative! So much drama.... oh my goodness.... so.much.drama....

Finally, he decided to close his eyes and eat it because "it doesn't taste like 'edges' when you close your eyes". As soon as he was done he ate his lunch, and about an hour later he had dinner.

Not only did he spend all day sitting on a small chair at their small kitchen table because he wouldn't eat two pieces of bread, he missed out on the movie we watched because he wouldn't eat two small pieces of bread, he missed out on the three books his siblings and I cuddled up to read because he wouldn't eat the last two bites and he missed out on our time outside blowing bubbles because he wouldn't eat the last two bites of his sandwich. True story!

I'm sure some people think this is harsh, we believe it starts with the small things. Plus, how many of you had lots of choices growing up? I know I didn't. My mom cooked, we ate what she cooked, that was it. 

That sneaky bratty behavior was trying to creep into my home, and we cut its head right on time... this time. The scary thing is that this had been going on for over a week and I didn't notice it. 

Makes me think about those parents, you know, the ones everyone is talking about, those who are raising bratty kids. Helps me extend some grace to those parents because I don't think those parents set out to become those parents, at least not all of them. Sometimes it just happens. Today it was me, tomorrow it could be you. It happens. The question is: what are we going to do about it when we catch ourselves falling into this slippery slope?

Its not easy, its not fun, its time consuming, its frustrating... but its one of those things that we will thank ourselves for in the future and our kids will thank us for later.

Conversation with six year old before bed.                                                                          Me: was today fun?                                                                                                          6y/o: not really.                                                                                                                  Me: do you think you made good choices?                                                                        6y/o: No, but I will do better tomorrow.                                                                              Me: Good, because tomorrow you're having the same thing for breakfast.                          6y/o: ... 

.... to be continued...  

The time when less became more

A couple of weeks ago our church started a series titled Less is More, and believe it or no its not about material things, which has me thinking a lot about pruning.

You see, I think society has led us to believe that we always have to be doing something, that our lives need to be full of activities, that we always have to be moving, that our schedules need to be full... and I'm not saying that having activities is bad (in fact, most of these activities are good), but what happens when we stretch ourselves so thin that the only word to describe our lives is stress. Its gotten to the point that even our kids are starting to think that not having some space in their schedule is bad. Our children are the next generation, what will the future look like if they start stressing out now? If they grow up thinking this is normal? 

I'm guilty of over-scheduling; the look of a full page on a weekly planner makes me smile.

I was the mom who always had some activity planned for me and the kids. During the school year, we had something going on almost every day: fun activities for the kids, nature walks, play dates with friends, playground visits, afternoons at the library... something... anything.... nothing bad, just busy, busy, busy. 

However, a few months ago, I decided I would slow down a bit and give myself permission to chill at home while all the kids were in school (about 3 hours a day) and watch some TV or read a book, or just relax on the couch (yes, you read this right, lay on the couch), instead of going to the gym, running errands or doing chores around the house. I decided it was okay to let the house be messy some times and just hang out with the kids. I started learning how to be okay with having nothing planned for our afternoon and just "playing it by ear"... and let me tell you, it was a lot harder than I expected it to be, but so worth it.

I noticed I was less stressed and the kids were less tired (which always equals less tantrums). I became a fun mom (true story), and we had some great times in our small apartment. Moreover, when we did go out, the kids appreciated it even more and were more compliant! 

So you can imagine the affirmation I felt a few weeks ago when we started this series at church (as if the immediate results weren't enough). I love it when you feel led to do something and then get confirmation from God a few months later. 

Now that summer is here and we are on our way to our home school adventure (in the fall), as tempting as it is to try to make it to all the activities and accept every invitation, we are trying to be very strategic about our time. We are making time to hang out with friends, to participate in fun activities hosted by the library or the free movie club for kids, but we are also leaving time open to just hang out at home and have a dance party, to read some books together, to enjoy the pool with and without friends, and its been the best summer so far.

So I urge you, I know there are lots of fun camps in the summer, lots of great activities to participate in, but try to choose wisely and maybe limit the amount of things you and your kids get involved in, and lets think back to how we spent our summers growing up: playing outside until dusk and hanging out with family, relaxing. Lets schedule less and enjoy more.

About a bad day

Ever had a bad day?

Ever had a really bad day?

... Of course you have, everyone has...

For me, a bad day used to look completely different from what it does now.

When I was working full time, a bad day included missing my train, being late to work, an irate customer, an unfinished proposal, a missed deadline, an argument with my husband about something stupid that was fused by the stress of both of our jobs.... I know some SAHMs might say they miss their days working out of the house, but I don't, not one bit. 

When I became a SAHM, the definition of a bad day included, just to name a few, being late to school (though we don't have to deal with that anymore), not having my husband's lunch ready on time (he comes home for lunch every day, expecting a warm, home cooked meal, which I gladly provide, most of the time), the kids making a mess after I cleaned up, smeared toothpaste all over the bathroom, an new bottle of dish soap dumped on the floor/sink, a couple of tired kids whining and fighting each other and sometimes all of the above combined...
I know, I know, these don't really seem like valid reasons to declare a "bad day" but any parent who has been home all day with little ones, whose life revolves around taking care of their family with minimal adult interaction and no possibility of a break (we don't even get to potty by ourselves) can tell you how easy it is to feel overwhelmed by a bunch of "little" things... add PMS into the mix and its a recipe for disaster. This is what a bad day looks like to a stay-at-home-parent.

Recently though, I decided to see these challenges (see, I now call them challenges) as opportunities to exercise patience and I am learning to deal with each incident and immediately (OK, maybe not immediately, but soon after) move on, and not let it ruin my day. I choose to sing and praise God and pray (a lot!), I try to choose joy.

But today, today I am officially declaring it a bad day.... Today I'm sick... again.... My head hurts, my stupid (my kids think this is "the S word" bless their heart) sinuses decided to act out, I can't breath well, I feel dizzy and nauseous and I'm almost positive I have an ear infection; I haven't slept through the night in 3 days, which is only making me feel worse and I can't take a day off to just veggie out on the couch until I feel better.... Today is not a very good day...

But God.... (I love these two words together)

But today, God, in his infinite mercy has chosen to give me a break from exercising patience with the kids. (As I type this, they are playing together, in their room, using their "indoor voice" and not running around our small apartment... this is a rare sighting.)

But today, God sent me an amazing devotional reminding me that He loves me! That He loved me even before I loved Him. That there is nothing I need to do to reach Him, that all I need to is rest.

"We never have to guess. We never have to question. He loves us. He’s together with us on this."     

And what does this have to do with my declaration of bad day? Well, nothing really... this just got me thinking: How can I declare this day, or any day for that matter, a bad day, when Jesus on the worst day of his life (not that is what a real bad day looks like) gave it all, so that I can experience love and freedom. His sacrifice on the cross automatically gives us the power to declare every day a good day because we are loved, saved, made new, free....

Am I feeling better physically?  Nope... my head feels like a balloon.

Will I have other situations in life where I am tempted to declare of bad day? Absolutely!

"....In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 NIV)

But on these days, I can choose to remember that He has overcome the world, and I can focus on what is true, what is noble, what is right, what is pure... I can choose to focus on Jesus.

This is my sink after cleaning the dish soap dumped by my 3 year old. 

Have you ever chosen to declare a good day in spite of the circumstances?

The time I chose to make time for myself

Friend: I am impressed... 

Me: huh? impressed by what?

Friend: I'm impressed about how you make plans to do things for yourself and actually follow through, that's impressive; I wish I could do that.   

This happened a few days ago, which got me thinking about what my usual day looks like... I really don't feel like I make time for myself per-say, it just feels like a normal day, though it wasn't always like that.

When I first became a stay at home mom, I was determined to find my "rhythm". I was so desperate to be home with my kids, I felt like I needed to make up for the three years I "missed out on" with my firstborn, and the year and a half with my middle child. My youngest was about 4 months old and was nursing non-stop; I was obsessed with keeping the house clean and neat all the time, I wanted to cook something new every day, to be a good wife for my husband when he came home from work... I became exhausted and overwhelmed very quickly trying to be the best mom, the best homemaker and the best wife... 

something had to change, but I didn't know what.

As I looked at other women around, I noticed I wasn't' alone, most moms I knew were also striving to be the best and being very hard on themselves when they failed to meet their own super high standards. My own mom, who is an amazing mom and has always been there for my sisters and I, has always been more mom than anything else, even as a full-time working mother; she taught me how to be a devoted, fun, loving, praying mom, but failed to teach me how to make time for myself, how to be more than just a mom; and I don't blame her. From the moment we find out we're pregnant, we become moms, and our kids become priority, we would die for them, and that's okay. But it's also okay to take care of ourselves.

It took some trial and error and a bit of "rewiring", but I slowly learned how to find balance.

Although I love spending time with my kids and my husband, I have learned that I can't give what I don't have, I can't pour onto my family if I are near empty - sort of like the whole "put on your oxygen mask first" thing.

So I started with something small, like working out from home (Hellooo endorphins!). 

Then I made a rule for the kids: once I sit down to eat, they are not allowed to ask for anything until I'm done (Hellooo hot coffee!). 

Then I decided to join a gym, with child care, because once the kids stopped napping altogether, a 20 minute workout at home would usually turn into a 60 minute workout. And so it went...

I also started to wake up a bit earlier to have some quiet time where I pray, journal, worship... sometimes I just sit there quiet (but that's a whole 'nother blog post).

As a result, the kids started to respect my time, especially meal time (huge win!) and even began to help set the table so we can all eat together - which means more family time. My husband has also been very good at helping reinforce this.

I have learned to relaxed about wanting trying to have everything perfect.

I have learned that being a good mom doesn't mean being just a mom.

I have learned to stop setting unreachable standards and expectations.

I have learned that the mom who seems to have it all together and can do it all, has moments of feeling exhausted and depleted, just as I do.

I have learned that we can help each other by being real and cutting ourselves - and other moms - some slack for not being involved in everything.

Being a mom is amazing and rewarding, but its also exhausting and draining, so its not only okay to make some time for yourself, it is a necessity. We can build better relationships with other moms in the raw, real struggles of life than in a competition to see who does more. Do what you can and invest time on your family, but never forget to make time for yourself, eventually it will becomes second nature. 

You are a good mom!   

The time I joined a mommy group

Before becoming a SAHM (stay at home mom) I had now idea there was such thing as a "mommy group". In fact, they even have websites entirely devoted to helping you find your "tribe". Whether you're a single parent, a stay at home mom, a working mom, a single person in your 30's, divorced, like to dance, like to read, they even have a group for classic rock aficionados!

Anyway,  at the begging of 2013 I decide to get out there and be social, like in person not behind a computer, I decided to give it a try, and joined my first mommy group. We had only been in Texas for a couple of months, but I was feeling the need for community (and conversations with other adults).

This group was great and FREE. I made a couple of really good friends (sadly they have both moved away now, but that's a story for another day), and enjoyed having a group of women who were in similar seasons of parenting as I was. We had lots of play dates, visited many parks and learned all the mommy lingo. Until then, terms like "crunchy mom" or "helicopter parent" were all foreign to me. Soon I was hosting play dates and planning trips while minding all the rules.  

I was surprised at how welcoming these women were (making a great impression of Texas), and their willingness to help each other with little to now judgement. You see, when I was working full time, I never had time - or energy - to meet new mommy friends, and the friends I had before I had kids, were still having fun and partying it up in South Beach; not to mention I was in the daze of pregnancy or nursing between 2008 and 2013. In this mommy group, I made time to slow down and make new friends, I wanted to get to know other moms, learn their stories and how they came to be SAHMs just like me. I was so proud of myself for putting myself out there and stepping out of my comfort zone. As for my kids, they flourished into social butterflies, they had fun and immediately fell in love with Texas.

I am so grateful for that group, and was so sad when it dissolved - well it didn't really dissolved, it was more like it moved further north than I was willing to travel for a 2 hour play date - it was great way to meet new people and learn about all the fun things to do in a new town. It was great, still it was time to move on.

A lot has changed...

A lot has changed since I last posted about us moving from Miami to Texas. Boy that trip was fun (NOT!). Almost 4 years ago, my husband and I decide to drive from FL to the big state, with a 3 month old, a 1 and a half year old and a 3 year old... and we decide to do this on black Friday of all days... Who does that?! Well apparently we do.

I can't say the trip was horrible, though I still remember it like it was yesterday; lots of snacks and movies for the kids, took lots of pictures, visited almost every rest stop from Florida to Texas, 3 night in 3 different hotels, and lots of stops to nurse a cranky baby. That kid hated the car seat! Its the biggest change we had ever made as a family, and probably the second biggest move of my life (the first was moving from NJ to the Dominican Republic when I was 10 years old), and we were happy to be traveling together, making new family memories.  

Its funny how we usually remember only the good times - I think its God's gift to us. I remember being excited about a new begging, about exploring our new town, going from working a full time job outside my home, to becoming a stay at home mom; in my mind, moving was the best thing ever, our own little fairy tale. It wasn't until a few months ago, when a friend moved to TX and was having a hard time adjusting, that I stopped to remember how emotionally taxing this new "normal" was for me. I didn't have any friends, I had no family near by, and all our furniture was stuck somewhere in between TN and TX, so we slept on inflatable mattresses and had "picnics" on the living room floor every day for over a month. I would have never admitted it back then - I didn't want my parents to worry-  but I missed my parents and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, the huge support system we had in Miami. Before we knew Christmas was here, and since all our money went into the move, we could barley afford to get presents for the kids, let alone a Christmas tree... oh and we still had no furniture. I had my husband and my kids with me, yet I felt sad and alone, and let down by my own expectations of how things "should have been". We were created to live in community and this truth became evident to me that Christmas eve, when we accepted and invitation to spend Noche Buena (big Christmas Eve party) with a group of people we didn't know very well and didn't have much in common with... lets just say it was interesting.
I am thankful for that family who opened the doors to their home on that emotional (for me) Christmas Eve, but that crazy party made me realize it was time to get out of my comfort zone and take actions.
I was on a mission to find new friends, to build community, to make a life in Texas, to make this my home. And so the journey began.