The day started like any other Saturday. We had breakfast, got dressed and headed out to the the playground with some friends. The kids played, I played with them, I chatted with some of the other moms, told them about my plan to be more kind to my kids (I should've figured there'd be a trial there after saying that out loud)... and then it was time to go.
I gave them the usual "ten more minutes guys", and started counting down from there, but the oldest decided to tease and taunt "we're not leaving! come on guys [to his siblings], lets get up here where she can't reach us!" I responded with a firm tone, trying to stay as calm as possible, somehow expecting them to follow orders, although in all honesty, I felt the situation slowly slipping out of my hands.
In my head, the thoughts racing: What should I do? Yell? Grab all three of them, at once? Spank them in the middle of the playground? Make some more threats? Nothing I was saying was working, changing my tone made no difference.
When I finally got two of the kids walking towards the car, I ran after the little one and carried him to the car with me. That's when I discovered the oldest (who is almost 7 years old now) in about 2 inches of mud, and the little one ran out off the car faster than I could catch him, into the same mud puddle!
This was it, I had run out of patience!!
I picked up the boys like potato sacks and took them to the car as they screamed and cried. Once inside, I turned around and before I could utter a word, the tears started flowing down my face, I just could not stop!
I cried and cried; I ugly cried all the way home...
I cried out of frustration.
I cried because I felt defeated.
I cried in despair.
I cried to God for help, for guidance.
When we got home they wash their hands and went to their room; I went to the bathroom to cry some more.
The next few hours I swam in a pool of emotions from how to establish consequences to just asking God for clarity. My mind racing: They should receive a spanking...but that's not really how I want to handle this. I should extend grace... but grace without truth is not enough. I should keep them in their room all day... but though they are calm right now, eventually they will just start acting crazy again.
God, what do I do? What do you want to show me? Is this about me or them?
This is about me, isn't it?! About my relationship with you Father."
Soon after, my oldest came out of his room to ask if I hated them because they hurt my feelings; he asked why I wanted them to stay in their room, away from me. I replied "I don't hate you, I love you very much... but right now I'm sad, hurt, disappointed. I love you guys, but don't like you guys very much right now...
This brought me to tears again... it hurt so much to say these words, yet, it was the truth... I will always love them, but sometimes I need some space.
When I finally stilled my heart, the thought about how God never wants to be far from us came to me... How our heavenly Father wants to be with us, to be near, always. We ignore Him, run from Him, reject Him, refuse to obey, yet He still wants us! WOW!
How good is our Father.
How marvelous our God.
How amazing His grace.
How undeserving His favor.
I'm still waiting to hear from Him on how to I can help my kids with obedience and how to be a better mom, but until then, I have comfort in the hope of my loving Father, who will never leave me nor forsake me.
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